Switch
by Starscream's Mishap
Summary: Dr. Arkeville's back...and it's not pretty. An Autobot and a Decepticon have to stop him before everyone else figures out what's going on and they aren't exactly feeling like themselves.
1. Chapter 1

It felt like he was being pulled apart and reassembled.

The human part of him screamed in agony; the robot part flashed warning signs.

He couldn't breathe; and when his system told him there was oxygen, a cloud of dust was there instead, choking him and making him cough on an infinite loop that was desperate to free his lungs.

Lights flashed and thunder crashed. The space bridge guardians aimed their firearms and if they had the capacity would have blinked.

"What the frag?" The purple one tilted his head to get a better look. The multi-colored one did not. He took aim and fired, but Dr. Arkeville had anticipated this. Four months in a cage over Soundwave's computer screen hid a minor blessing, after all.

It hit him, causing the metal in him to fritz and short and darken, but - again - this had been anticipated. The rocket boosters on his feet had been his secret project. They blasted loudly and rolled him past both nonplussed Decepticons like a Wiley Coyote cartoon.

His mechanical components were back online, giving him the ability to gauge when the bomb he'd left in the space bridge area would go off. Starscream and his associate had begun the chase and were far enough away to be unscathed by the explosion, unfortunately. True to Decepticon military protocol, they abandoned the worthless human for the more important equipment 'thermal event.'

"I'LL GET YOU LATER!" Starscream bellowed over the noise. Dr. Arkeville laughed.

Revenge would be HIS. Starscream could count on it.


	2. Chapter 2

He didn't get very far.

Obviously, the rocket-powered chair wasn't built for long distances, and when compounded with the SAND that was all over the desert that had NOT been a variable on Cybertron, Dr. Arkeville was lucky to gain the ground that he did...which wasn't much. He was stuck, half a mile away from the space bridge, when a four-legged animalbot of some kind found him, scooped up the side of the chair that HADN'T tipped over, and carried him back to Starscream and the purple one.

They ignored the humiliating pile in which he'd been deposited until the 'thermal event' had subsided. Would they kill him? One could only hope.

Starscream's shadow fell on him as a blast of heated wind seared the skin on his still-organic pieces. The tumbleweed that slapped him in the face as it bounced onward didn't help, either.

"I'd crush you under my foot but you'd get it _dirty_," Starscream snarled. "So I'm burying you alive instead!" The purple one laughed with him as they proceeded to kick sand over the still-sideways Arkeville. It covered his face, got up his nose, ground into his circuits. It seemed like they'd never stop.

"**Starscream, come in**!" a different voice called. "**What happened to the space bridge?" ****  
><strong>  
>The dirt paused its onslaught, cascading into whatever gaps in his system it hadn't the time to invade prior.<p>

"An antroid set it on fire," he replied. "What is the damage report, Blitzwing?"

The voice laughed.

"Megatron forbade you to tell me? TELL ME!"

"**You want it? Come and get it. Megatron'll LOVE this one!"**

Starscream clenched his fists. "Come with me," he sighed. "There's nothing left HERE-' he gave the mound of sand another kick "-to protect."

The purple one did not reply. He took to the air after Starscream. Dr. Archeville listened to their engines fade off and moved his arm to dispel some of the sand.

* * *

><p>He had to admit, he was nervous.<p>

Getting over Optimus had been the hardest thing he'd ever had to do, and no part of it was enjoyable. That happy feeling Prime gave him, that had become a shock to his system to be replaced by agonizing pain, which dulled to a haunting ache that flared up like a faulty circuit when he saw him...how did one erase all that? How could Perceptor pretend that it hadn't hurt to be dismissed like a rusty screw? Distractions would be nice right about now.

Well, the new Autobots had come in from Cybertron. For some reason, Perceptor had trouble with their LOOKS. He'd been away from the home planet far too long if normal Cybertronian formats were visually incongruous to him. Still, they were decent. Blurr, Hot Rod, and Springer were all right. Perceptor had managed to say pleasantly enough that it was 'nice to see Ultra Magnus again.' He hadn't had to worry about that too, much, though; they were off on a mission in no time.

A few days later, the Dinobots returned from THEIR part of that trek with their new best buddy...and Perceptor had forgotten his manners completely. He STARED. This mech was charismatic. Charming. Funny. ...wow...

"Perceptor's our head scientist. He's the one you go to when there's nerding to be done," Sideswipe explained, breezing past the microscope on his way toward better things. "This is Bluestreak. You know Ironhide, here's Skyfire, Sunstr-"

Nerding was not a word, and Perceptor rotated his body to correct that insolent punk when he realized that he and the other mech were long gone, talking a mile a minute with Ironhide.

An overwhelming urge to run up to him and interrupt to give a better introduction attacked, but before he could do it, THAT urge was superceded by fear. He was nervous? Improbable!

"Prahme's gotta see you for himself, Kup, he'll blow a gaysket!" SLAM! went the door.

He didn't see Kup for the rest of the weekend, which both relaxed and annoyed him.


	3. Chapter 3

There was not much left of the space bridge to salvage, but Dr. Arkeville tried. At least his motorized chair had a newer gear than before, and he didn't have to worry about mobility. His left arm was still at half-capacity, however. Once his immediate needs were satisfied, there was nothing left to use for his plan, unfortunately. And no one to turn to for assistance, either. The Decepticons built their tools far away from humanity, and humanity tended to avoid them whenever possible. He was in the middle of nowhere with no sense of direction and no guarantee he would make it out alive. Those two...THINGS...would be back.

But...

There had been a THIRD Decepticon wandering around here, hadn't there? The one who had retrieved him. Some kind of robot wolf, or something like that. All he had to do was find it.

Easier said than done. It took two days for that blasted wolf to find him, and the only way Dr. Arkeville could short-circuit the damn thing was to pull his own faltering mechanical arm off and beat it against the cat's (it looked like a cat, up close) head until sparks flew.

Now his time on this planet was REALLY short. The cat had an owner, one who would come looking for his pet at any moment. Dr. Arkeville reattached his sandy, faltering arm. At least the tool selection option still operated in his mechanical hand, or _all _would be lost.

* * *

><p>"Warning! Warning! Decepticon activity in progress!"<p>

Teletraan-1 had been on the fritz lately, thanks to Wheeljack, his ever-conflagrating "cappuccino maker," and an incident where it decided to misbehave. Perceptor still opined that the voice sounded off-kilter.

"I'm just sayin', I know who might have somethin' to do with that, bro," Blaster advised. "Somebody who wanted T-1 to sound like Snoop Dogg." Blaster inched away, shrugging defensively. "I'm just sayin'. "

Just saying. Sure he was.

Several Autobots joined them, including Carly, Spike and Bumblebee. Teletraan-1 was smoothly reporting that the Decepticons were attacking a human. Optimus Prime, running in at the last minute, announced that they were to transform and roll out...and what was with Teletraan-1's voice? He thought Perceptor had fixed that.

All Autobots turned to look at him, some more malicious than others. Perceptor was more than slightly embarrassed.

"I shall investigate upon our return," he replied. Only Optimus looked away from him.

* * *

><p>Starscream had to abandon his fight with Blitzwing when Buzzsaw reported back - hysterical - that a HUMAN had dismantled parts of Ravage and was looking at him funny, and that he couldn't fire without further damaging his comrade. Blitzwing told Buzzsaw to call someone who cared, and if they had the ability to blink THAT would have been the span of time it took Soundwave to tell Megatron what was going on.<p>

Their leader had no patience for idiots. So he said. He made them all go back and rescue Soundwave's toys.

"The Autobots have more than likely discovered this inconvenience and will try to help the human and salvage the spacebridge, that's why!" he snarled to Starscream's barely complete whine. "I'm holding YOU responsible."

That wasn't new. Soundwave had flown out the door the moment he could.

* * *

><p>The human did not want their assistance.<p>

He sat amidst the wreckage and snarled to Bumblebee and Spike that ONE MORE STEP would be their last, and followed through with clumps of energon-soaked sand, which melted instantly into liquid glass that stung Bumblebee's exostructure and were a bitch to remove. Spike didn't want to know what they'd do to _him_.

"What are your demands?" Optimus Prime called, from a safe 500 meters. Hound and Prowl were formulating a way to bring the human in safely. He needed medical attention, from the looks of things.

"I have no demands YOU can fulfill," the human retorted. Spike scowled at him.

"That's Dr. Arkeville, all right." He mumbled other things, not as pleasant. "Dunno how he got HERE."

Prime had been avoiding Perceptor for so long that the sound of the know-it-all's voice made him jump a little. "I believe he annexed the space bridge. We can recycle a great deal of it for our own devices. I could recalibrate the dilithium vortex modulator-"

"DECEPTICONS!" Cliffjumper yelled, sounding suspiciously...relieved?

"The human!" Prime cried in horror, breaking into a sprint. He had to save him!

* * *

><p>They were later than he'd expected, but who could complain? Starscream was in the front, in jet mode, prepared to gun down any and everything in his way.<p>

"Excellent," Dr. Arkeville purred, activating his device. It shook, it shuddered, it glowed. Starscream halted midair, transforming and landing with a crash. Sand flew into Dr. Arkeville's eye, temporarily disorienting him. Starscream took that moment to yank away what was left of Ravage and toss it to Soundwave, tossing a 'let ME take care of this' to him in the process.

"DIE, HUMAN!" he screeched, null rays igniting.

"NO!" Optimus cried, tackling Starscream and pitching both of them right on top of the device, which exploded.


	4. Chapter 4

"OPTIMUS!"

One day Perceptor had gotten into a conversation with Chip about names - their meanings, cultural roots, nicknames that came out of it, how names should suit the named, how some changed meaning over time and culture (Chip's Japanese exchange student roommate Yu had a tough time in the beginning, until he went by his new nickname "McFly"), how a name DEFINED WHO YOU WERE. For some reason, Optimus had been a silly name in Perceptor's corner of Cybertron. He'd learned to overlook it, but hearing Spike scream it liked that seemed to highlight the ridicule-

"PRIME!"

"I'm right here, Bumblebee, Spike," Optimus replied, standing up from the smoke and sand eddies that were quickly clearing away. There were patches of glass everywhere from the heat and fire and energon. Spike slipped a little on one as he hurried to check on Prime. "This is a dangerous zone, one that we must retreat from immediately." To punctuate that point, Megatron had opened fire on the sitting ducks that they were. Prowl made a move to grab Dr. Arkeville and failed when Starscream sat up and blocked the way. Prowl would have tackled him, but Skywarp got a good one in on him, immobilizing his arm. How were they going to roll out in this condition?

"Prime, use your trailer!" Spike called. Optimus paused for a moment.

"The...explosion must have hit me harder than I thought," he apologized, transforming. His trailer emerged from subspace and Ratchet shooed as many of them in as he could. Soundwave sent Rumble and Frenzy to chase them all the way back to the Ark, and Skywarp followed along. Megatron had other issues.

* * *

><p>The human was awake. "WHAT HAPPENED!" he screamed, terrified. He couldn't stop scratching the parts of him that had skin.<p>

Starscream grabbed him by the shirt, hoisted him up to optic level, and stared. "Which one are you?" he asked. Wings felt foreign to him, like a slight weight in a new place that wasn't uncomfortable, but strange nonetheless.

"What do you mean, which one! There is only one! Release me at once and GIVE ME MY BODY BACK!"

He was going to expose all of them, and then Megatron would get two enemies killed at the same time. That would be perfect, his birthday was coming up-

"HELP ME!"

Sigh. "Dr. Arkeville, I need to figure this out. To do that, I need Starscream's lab. How do you think we're going to get there if we're taken out of commission when Megatron realizes what you're saying?"

"Starscream, report!" He was still in the air, assessing the damage below him but too lazy to take a closer look or help out. Megatron delegated.

The note of panic dried up like a mud puddle in July as Dr. Arkeville's eyes widened in realization. He glanced around and took a quick inventory. "It would appear that the human appropriated parts of the space bridge to build this...carbuncle."

Starscream glanced at his hated enemy. ""It would appear that the human appropriated parts of the space bridge to build this..._carbuncle_."

Dr. Arkeville chuckled. "Not bad. The extra note of contempt was a nice touch."

Megatron was unimpressed. "Estimated time of repair?"

"What, did you order something from ebay?"

Starscream suppressed the urge to shake the human nesting in his fist. "I will get the information out of this human to accelerate my anticipated recovery time to-" Dr, Arckeville muttered something. "-One hundred astro-minutes."

"That is not acceptable!"

Maybe he HAD ordered something from ebay. Collectible My Little Ponies, if Sideswipe were right. There had been rumors...

"The human has been stubborn in the past, mighty one!"

Megatron grunted to Soundwave to "read his mind and get this over with!"

Oh, slag.

"Previous attempts: failed. Brains can be read when smashed against a rock." Soundwave would do it, too. His wrath over what had happened to Ravage would jeopardize more than one individual, if Starscream allowed it. Dr. Arkeville started howling.

Well, he was Starscream **now**, he might as well act like it. "GET HIM _AWAY _FROM MY PROJECT! _ I_ WILL REPAIR THE SPACEBRIDGE, _I _BUILT IT! THE HUMAN WILL BE NO USE TO US IF SOUNDWAVE IS ALLOWED TO COMPRESS HIM INTO COMPOST!" For extra dramatic effort he stood up and brandished his weapons, flinging Dr. Arkeville around in his hand as Starscream became more demonstrative. Dr. Arkeville vomited.

Megatron signaled Soundwave to return. "You have FIFTY astro-minutes. Do not disappoint me." They flew off and left a Seeker and a human to sort out the damage.

Starscream put him down gently and found a place to wipe off the stomach contents that were more than likely going to seep into the cracks and corners of his joints. Ugh, humans smelled terrible. He'd never noticed that before.

Dr. Arkeville looked over what used to be the machine that had done this, but was now respectfully classified as a 'melted heap of nothing' "What kind of mechanical training do you have?" he demanded.

Starscream pondered the best way to reveal his level of knowledge to one who shouldn't know. "I have had an adequate amount of training."

"I'll be the judge of that," Dr. Arkeville retorted. "In the meantime, Optimus, go get me what used to be the atom stabilizer while I see what is salvageable from this melted heap of nothing."

Starscream complied, heaving a large box over his shoulders before realizing that this did not work with wings, and coming up with a better way to carry it. "I think, for our safety, that we should address each other as the forms we currently inhabit."

"I agree," Dr. Arkeville replied, allowing his mechanical hand to change into a screwdriver. "Forgive me if I fall out of habit of calling you such."

The former Starscream asking for forgiveness? Odd. This would take some getting used to. So would this body. And how would the new Starscream be covert enough not to rouse suspicion, while trying to find a way to reverse this? He'd have to act like one of his most despised enemies. He'd have to pretend to work to exterminate the very beings he loved the most. He'd have to pretend to try to kill Megatron. He'd have to be loud, obnoxious, have a superiority complex, be a smart-alec know-it-all, not know when to shut up-

"Retreive the projection initiator laser and adjust it 32 degrees acute," Dr. Arkeville ordered. Starscream moved to comply, although the realization of the potential he now had in this new position had struck him immobile the moment the impulse hit him.

_He was now in the perfect position to kill Megatron._


	5. Chapter 5

Tucking in his arms: easy. Bending his legs backwards: unusual. His hands disappearing into his arms: WEIRD. BUT…his head neatly folding into his body and his processor immediately utilizing his headlights and windshield as optic tools….was fascinating. Did all Autobots work like this? How could he ask without giving himself away?

They were all in a group, bunched together like the participants of the Wacky Races, waiting for him…why, he wasn't sure. Maybe he was supposed to lead. For someone who had no idea where he was going, this wasn't good. Perhaps he could use the excuse of a trailer full of wounded comrades.

"Go on ahead, I don't want the trip to be jarring for my passengers." They seemed to accept that. (Amazing, the first tug of the trailer on his hitch was different.) Optimus remained in the back. The trip was silent for the most part. Optimus wondered if he was supposed to say something. He decided against it. The Decepticons weren't much for verbal interaction, either. Although Shockwave had lectured him on the social inferiority of the Autobots, there had to be SOME similarities. If he was going to pass as one of them, there had to be, or else-

"Prahme," a voice interjected, "How are we gonna rescue the human?" He _would _have to ask that.

Optimus considered it. The Autobots, to his knowledge, had never successfully raided the underwater Decepticon base (not that Shockwave would admit it if they had); thus there had to be some kind of Autobot protocol involved.

"We shall discuss it later," he replied. "In a meeting."

This was the right answer, apparently. The vanette asked what time it would be, Optimus gave a vague answer, and he was left alone after that.

* * *

><p>"He's a fake," Ironhide declared, storming into Jazz and Prowl's abode without knocking.<p>

Prowl looked bored as he re-arranged parts of a defunct VCR. "We know that already." 'We' would be Jazz, Red Alert, and Wheeljack, who were across the room trying to out smack-talk each other on Bajo and Kazooie. Wheeljack was not used to Jazz's creative insults and kept cracking up, allowing his concentration to slip.

When would Prowl quit being such a know-it-all pain? Not today, likely. "Are we gonna confront him, then? Or didya already decide on that, too?"

Red Alert gave him a contemptuous yet sympathetic glance. "Right now, we don't have a lot to go on, so we put in some fake security codes on everything and we shall wait for him to slip up. Like we're supposed to."

Well, la-di-da. "An' if he won't slip up?"

"We could do another Imposter Race Test," Jazz supplied. "THAT worked."

Ironhide laughed, and let it go…for now. It wouldn't take long before Prime's behavior would be noticed, and Primus help them if it were a blabbermouth or someone who held a grudge who did the noticing.

* * *

><p>"Perceptor."<p>

Oops. He'd forgotten to fix Teletraan-1's voicebox. He'd better talk fast. "Optimus, I'm terribly sorry, I let my latest project distract me, it won't happen again-"

"Do not allow any other project be your concern at the moment than the one that is most imperative to our mission," Prime replied. His voice seemed lower, deeper, more measured. Like when they'd been alone together. It made Perceptor shiver. "Which is a request I am about to make."

"Of course, Prime." What was he supposed to say? Optimus stood before him like Sherman Dam, arms folded and optics slightly dark.

"My entire processor is glitching. I cannot access certain memory codes. Could you-" Here he hesitated. He must have seen Perceptor's expression. "You are unable?"

"I am unable due to both ethical impediments and feasibility." Why would Optimus ask him this kind of favor? What was wrong with him?

He backed up and shrugged awkwardly, meeting Perceptor in the optic when he shouldn't have. It made the scientist more uneasy than ever, if that were possible. "I... apologize."

The minute he left, Perceptor radioed Prowl.

* * *

><p>Starscream had the spacebridge running 30 earth seconds before Megatron glinted in the sky. Dr. Arkeville, like Radar on M*A*S*H, had glanced in the direction before that, causing the jet to stop gloating over his nigh-impossible accomplishments and follow his gaze. The glint sparked less than a nanosecond later.<p>

...Wait...he didn't gloat. He was Optimus Prime. Humble. Self-aware. Down-to-earth. Champion of good. Gloating was _uncivilized._

Dr. Arkeville grunted. "I assumed he would come _early_. He must have been distracted."

Starscream's new found pride dissolved into worry. Had something happened to the Autobots? He turned to Dr. Arkeville but realized that there was no way to ask what Megatron had been doing that the former Starscream would provide a credible answer. Besides, there were other concerns.

"He will expect a report in a problem/solution/demonstration format. Expect your technical jargon to be cut short, especially if it is more hyperbolic than he can tolerate." This made Dr. Arkeville chuckle to himself. Starscream failed to see the humor. Talent should be recognized! Especially since he had absolutely no idea what he's been doing and he'd had to tolerate a snippy attitude giving him instructions.

There was more than Megatron coming. Soundwave, Skywarp, Thundercracker, and a few tapes landed with equally forceful but less imposing thuds as they hit the ground in unison. _How did they do that_, Starscream had often mused. Megatron barked a hasty "Report!" and forced the jet to get into character.

"The human-after some _convincing argument_-detailed to me what he had done to impede the machine. It took all of my brilliance-"

"Spare me the details for a moment in which I am not trying to export energon and merely inform me that it works!" Megatron really knew how to take the lift out of your spoiler.

"It works." It was held together with more duct tape, glue, and soldering than might be considered 'professional' but it worked. Dr. Arkeville had even spotted a few errors and corrected them. Not that this was relevant. Megatron ordered them to begin loading up the energon cubes Dirge and Thrust had just brought with them, in addendum to the ones the others had been carrying, but before Starscream did THAT he needed to take the human behind that dune and kill him.

They had discussed the best idea to approach the Decepticon leader. "I want to experiment on him."

"I do not allow pets!" Megatron shot back, already turned around to supervise more important matters.

"You keep Soundwave!" Starscream retorted. He was ignored.

_Megatron doesn't allow pets either, he mused. Should I be relieved that I'm not the only leader or horrified I have a similarity to a Decepticon?_

He took Dr. Arkeville behind the dune, checking to make sure there were no spies. "There might not be any air," Starscream protested.

"My mechanical parts have already proven to me that I can go without oxygen for at least twenty minutes. Energon loading takes only five, the trip back to the base is ten. Excluding any deviations, I should be all right. Megatron always dismisses us after a successful loading."

Well, that was that then. Dr. Arkeville took a deep breath and Starscream placed him into his subspace compartment.


	6. Chapter 6

He stood outside, absorbing it all.

The sun. He'd never gone outside; as a scientist, the sun and the moon were obsolete sources of light and ancient measurements of time, irrelevant to timetables, deadlines, grant applications, presentations...he'd eaten whenever, slept never, only saw the sun when he had to interact with the much-hated outside world.

All of THAT changed quickly. Suspended in a birdcage over Shockwave for an agonizingly long period of time had changed him. There was natural light here! Atmosphere! If he could breathe it in. He'd have cried, too. Robots do neither.

A body's a body. Optimus Prime transformed carefully, his trailer coming from out of nowhere and clicking into place with a gentle tug. Something back there beeped inquisitively. Was that Roller? (Good thing Optimus had been able to access his medical records - comprehending Cybertronian, which mystified him. The doctor - Ratched? eyed him suspiciously.) He'd do best to answer.

"I thought...we'd go for a drive." Roller beeped again. "Would you like to get out? I'm not going too far." When he was human he'd never had a pet. He didn't know what to do with the stray cat that came to die outside of his secret lair, and he certainly didn't know what to do with this smaller piece of him. Roller did not reply. Optimus found the spring to release his trailer door. Roller beeped and beeped and did not move, which was REALLY irritating. "OK, stay back there, then," he replied, not meaning to sound so aggrieved. "I'll...take off, now." How did he roll out? "Here. Like this...um...OK." He jerked forward a little, panicked, and hit the brake more abruptly than he had the gas pedal. This had been scary enough the first time - Ratched and Wheelcheck had forced him to undergo a once-over when they saw the trouble he'd had driving earlier (not knowing how to stop...how embarrassing). After a few tries and some concerned beeps from Roller, Optimus got the hang of it and settled on a pedestrian 40 miles per hour. TRAFFIC rules did not escape him, though. Speed was still a little disquieting.

Where would he go?

A small yellow Volkswagon pulled up, its goofy little horn squawking good-naturedly. "Hey, Optimus!" he greeted enthusiastically.

Which one was this one? Bumblebee! "Hello, 'Bee. Riding with me?"

"Sure! Where you off to?" 

"Nowhere in particular. Have any suggestions?" Human interaction had always been difficult for him, but Autobots were such a cheerful, friendly lot that it didn't seem like as much of a struggle. He even LIKED some of them. This was new.

The Bug perked up. "Yeah! That canyon I keep telling you about! Follow me!" He zipped off, a little _too _fast, but if he were leading, Optimus was okay with that.

* * *

><p>"He looked at his medical records."<p>

"Aynd?" Ironhide prompted.

"That's it. I don't know what he was looking for, but he had a clean bill of operation. My notes said the same." Ratchet shrugged. "If he's a copy, he's a good one."

Wheeljack was in on this meeting, since it was his idea to check up on Prime in the first place. "I sent Bumblebee out to keep an optic on him. They're at Foster's Gully. Should be out 'til five."

"I talked to him about the battle...he kind of brushed me off," Kup interjected, for the fifth time. He seemed the most unsettled by all of this.

Prowl nodded, making more annotations on a datapad. "Perceptor, thank you for your report, too." He stood up. "We will have to watch him, for now. Red Alert is re-calibrating the radio interception antennae, in the event of a clandestine call. We shall reconvene tomorrow, meeting adjourned-"

"Now hold on a minnit!" Ironhide shouted. "Ya can't just wait and see what he's gonna do!"

Prowl sighed, exasperated. "-_as I was saying_: ON THAT MEETING'S AGENDA: we will discuss how Kup and Perceptor will have employed tactics to keep Prime distracted, or until he reveals his intentions. I will be in contact with Ultra Magnus so that Blaster does not know, and Jazz, you and Bumblebee will go back to the space bridge for clues." He glared darkly at Ironhide. "YOU are in charge."

Ironhide couldn't resist preening a little. "Now thayt's more lahke it." His first order of business should be forcing Prowl to go on vacation.

More pressing issues were at hand; namely, what Megatron was up to next.

* * *

><p>Oxygen! Curse this worthless human's lungs and peripheral nervous system! Dr. Arkeville continued gasping, adrenaline fueling his anguish and accelerating his need for faster intake rate.<p>

Starscream looked on, apologetically. "I thought I could cross the ocean without incident," he explained.

"THERE'S NO AIR IN SUBSPACE COMPARTMENTS!" Dr. Arkeville managed to scream.

Starscream scowled. "You are going to be overheard," he hissed. "You would do well to _modulate your voice_." The human looked on the verge of tears. "I couldn't put you in the cockpit, not while being watched, and I'm still getting used to transforming. I could have killed you that way, too." He was still unconvinced; as though Starscream had done this maliciously. "This seemed easier." Come to think of it, the original Starscream had heaped enough malice on the original Optimus to merit some physical discomfort as mild retribution. The Incident at the mines of Vos was somewhat vindicated now, as far as THIS mech was concerned. "I wanted to avoid _detection._"

Dr. Arkeville returned to panting on his side on the floor. His stomach wouldn't rebel again, would it? That had been embarrassing. Humans had NO equilibrium, and no control over their body functions at all.

Starscream was confused by the layout of this lab. Perceptor's was well-organized, brightly lit, slightly smoky on the days Wheeljack was in it. This one was the same, except that everything had a sheen of insidiousness that clung like coal dust. It was the lab of an unhappy individual. Dr. Arkeville's was similar, but had more flashing numbers, on the monitors.

Wait a minute.

Starscream picked up a random datapad. "Electric wave did not change variable, control immobile as well. Null hypothesis rejected, alternate hypothesis proved inconclusive. Suggestion: new experiment with higher voltage." 

He could read Decepticon.

"I can-" he gasped, grabbing another pad. THIS one was in another language, but he could read it! It was a description of table manners and proper etiquette! He handed it to Dr. Arkeville. "What does this say?"

The human squinted. "It's Chinese. No, Greek. No..."

"Korean!" Starscream interrupted, elated. He lowered the pad incredulously. "When did you learn Korean?"

Dr. Arkeville huffed air out of his useless lungs and rubbed his forehead. "My second task here was to learn Human communication methods. _Soundwave _couldn't be trusted to know everything!"

"What is the point of dividing labor if you have to learn everything anyway? No, wait. YOU had to learn everything because ignorance is equal to an inadequate defense system." That's Starscream.

Dr. Arkeville had given up scowling and was now accomplishing the task of sitting upright. Starscream should help him. Negative, he was capable of utilizing his own faculties. It took him a few moments, but he was all right. "Now for business," he announced. "How are YOU going to destroy our worst enemy?" He looked...jealous? "A pity it will only be by my hand in a _literal _sense."

"Starscream!" it was out of him before he remembered their pact. "You think I'll be able to DO it! I'm FLATTERED!"

Dr. Arkeville couldn't scowl deep enough. "Modulate your voice, indeed," he muttered, paying more attention to his human wrist. It was purple and swollen.

Starscream forgot his momentary elation and bent over to examine it. As Optimus, he didn't know much about human anatomy, but in THIS figure, experience told him that this was not good. "Can you move it?"

"Yes. It's just a sprain." Dr. Arkeville wrapped it up and ignored Starscream's protests that only an x-ray could determine that, wheeling over to the bottom of a computer and demanding aid in ascending to its keyboard. "The buttons are too big," he huffed. "Place me next to it and take this dictation: [ function ] name () { command-list Megatron_must_die; }"

It took three passwords and a voice recognizer but once they had access the list was impressive, ranging from elaborate underhanded schemes to simple pot-shots, everything imaginable...Starscream was overwhelmed.

"You've done everything but call the Autobots and tell them you're coming," he observed. No, wait, that was #4400962. "What can I do that hasn't been repeated fourteen million times?"

Nothing, apparently. BUT there could be a twist or two done, seeing as how some of these would have WORKED if not for minor execution flaws or Autobot meddling. Hehehe. (Where had THAT smug feeling come from?) Dr. Arkeville wasn't too thrilled with the idea of poisoning his energon - Megatron had excellent chemistry descriptors - but hey, if Starscream were up to being beaten senseless...as long as nothing was permanent. Starscream, seeing his reflection in some of the polished metal surfaces, noted the poorly healed marks on his wings and felt a stirring of fear. This was nothing new, as Optimus he'd been terrified of Megatron on a regular basis, but in Starscream, there was no sense of responsibility to buttress his facade of aggression. Starscream did this because he could not tolerate being a subordinate. Optimus did it to keep evil from spreading. THIS fear was far more personal, and it hadn't translated as well from one body to the next.

"Perhaps more reconnaissance," Starscream suggested nervously. Dr. Arkeville shrugged.

"It will not change anything but your resolve." There were flickering lights going darker and brighter, Decepticons were being called to assemble. "Go up four flights, turn left, there's a large throne room on your right." Something on the bitter human's face softened. "And good luck." He shook it off. "Don't mess up!"

The door slammed behind Starscream and that flicker of fear lingered and intensified into trepidation.

* * *

><p>Human beings were unbelievably disgusting. When he was Starscream, Dr. Arkeville had read an American Fifth-Grade Science book that listed the five things all earth beings needed to do to be alive, and at this moment, he needed to do two of them.<p>

Waste receptacles had not been considered when they had concocted this smuggling plan. What did Shockwave do? No memory was coming up, no matter how hard Dr. Arkeville searched. Should he use the old Gundarr cage that still hadn't been cleaned out when it died? Something inside of his lower half heaved, and there were few options left.

Disgusting. Other animals buried it, so he would, too. As he rolled away, he could still smell it on him, adding the feeling of dirt and grime and nasty. The pain in his wrist intensified when he'd had to climb out of the chair to excrete. This had to end, and soon. Starscream may be obsessed with killing Megatron, but once he'd been knocked about a few times he'd come to his senses and yield to more superior thinkers and work a little harder and turning all of them back to their original forms. Dr. Arkeville figured that the former Optimus Prime would have to learn that the hard way, however. It would buy HIM some time and be fun to watch Starscream fail.

Besides...what was the old Dr. Arkeville doing with the Autobots, anyway?


	7. Chapter 7

"Isn't it amazing?" Bumblebee cooed. "The sunset just looks so PRETTY!"

Optimus Prime was not impressed. While some aspects of earth were taken for granted in the past and now appreciated, he still couldn't accept different waves of light being filtered through different atmospheric thicknesses as 'pretty.'

"This is nice," he commented. As Dr. Arkeville, he was a reticent individual, and that hadn't changed. Bumblebee leaned back and maneuvered Prime's arm around him.

Was this normal? The small yellow Autobot sighed contentedly. "I haven't heard from you in awhile. Have you been going offline all right?"

They slept! Oh, good! Optimus had felt run-down but had no idea how they recharged. He now had an opportunity to get some assistance.

"Not really. I think...I might need some assistance." There was a small thrill to the danger of this. What if her were behaving inappropriately? When he was human he'd never really noticed women, never really looked at one unless she were in an issue of _Playboy _or _Hustler_; whilst his fellow academia nuts were either harassing the undergrads forced to work/study with them and the TAs who were a little too weird, he'd been BUSY. After graduation there was no point in interacting with anyone worth his time, he had a world to take over.

Bumblebee went from friendly concern to business in less than a nanosecond. "Usual time and place?"

Prime didn't even know where his room WAS, let alone what this coded phrase meant. "I was thinking something different. Why not just go back there when this is over?"

"Isn't that dangerous?"

Optimus really didn't have much of a choice. "I'm Prime, who's going to question it?"

Wrong answer. "Okay." He said it with a trill in his voice that Dr. Arkeville's TA used whenever he thought his boss was about to hoist his own petard.

"Am I incorrect?"

Bumblebee must have realized his faux pas and immediately stammered something about it being all right, he didn't mean anything bad by it-

"Forget it, I can take care of myself." Optimus transformed, stumbling a little less obviously when he rolled out, and ignored Bumblebee the rest of the drive home...which was tough when he got lost. They came back and Prime allowed Ratched and Wheelcheck to guide him back to his room. He didn't need to plug anything in, apparently. Good. Lesson learned, however.

No more excursions! 

* * *

><p>Starscream marched into his lab with a desperate expression and a quick gesture that were wasted on a nonexistent audience. Good, Dr. Arkeville had enough sense to hide. Especially with Octane on Starscream's heels.<p>

"You told me it wouldn't work without that compressor built, you derided the whole collection project without your input, we got in trouble for not including you, and now you're backing out, which is TYPICAL. Just give me the plans and let me fix this before we get another lecture!" He held out his hand and Starscream scowled deeper.

"The plans...are electronic. I need to..." how did they transfer information around here? He needed to be guest-free in order to get Dr. Arkeville to find these plans first! The door slammed behind them and there were exactly two astroseconds of pre-impact before Octane had his lips mashed up to Starscream's.

Kissing...he'd forgotten kissing. Prime hadn't had workable lips in a million years, it had seemed. He forgot how specific the touch was, the electricity in it, and...wow, this kid was enthusiastic. Starscream's body was humming and aching for more touching, reaching for him and pulling the Decepticon on top of him onto the lab table in one fluid motion that didn't break the embrace. He had to have more. It didn't matter what the being before him had done to Autobots; he was going to have something done to HIM and LIKE IT.

"Starscream," Octane puffed, as the subject of his sentence began biting down HARD on his lover's neck, "I didn't know ya had it in ya."

"Shut up," he replied. Hearing someone else's name was a definite turn-off. There was an evil sadistic thought that made him wonder how Octane would react if he knew the truth. All the better to use him now. Octane touched Starscream's wings and something inside of him surged. He was close; he was so close-

There it was. Cold, red, precise like a laser, but an intensity not felt before. Octane let his go reciprocatively and it felt AMAZING. Starscream was still dizzy from the first wave; the second wave would have made him swoon if he were standing. Octane lay in his arms and giggled.

"That was quick," he commented. "And _loud_."

He was supposed to be silent? Oops. Lust had evaporated back to contempt. "I told you to shut up. Now leave."

This was normal, apparently. Octane got up, reminded Starscream to transfer the plans to his computer drive, and marched out.

Dr. Arkeville gave out a grunt at that moment and a sigh, gasping for air as though running a race. Starscream found him behind a cage, laying low while wiping off his lap with a corner of a rag, looking guilty and accusatory at the same time.

"You are overreaching your necessary construction of a facade of me," he barked. "I DO NOT take him HERE!"

Starscream gestured to the door. "He started it!"

"You tell him no, he grinds his jaw, calls you up tonight and you meet in the basement! The whole BASE can hear you in here!"

Stupid human. "The whole base can hear you NOW!"

"ARRGH!" Dr. Arkeville punched his chair in frustration, giving a yelp of pain and tearing up. He'd hit with his injured wrist. Starscream felt guilt overtake his indignation. It had to hurt to watch his own body be touched through another.

"I'm sorry I was intimate with your botfriend."

"I HATE THIS BODY!" he screamed back. "Get me mine back!"

"We will," Starscream assured him, relieved to be changing the subject. Now that the initial urge to merge was over, he was left with residual guilt. Same old Optimus. "It might come sooner than you think. Megatron noticed that Optimus is acting weird and wants Lazorbeak to investigate."

Dr. Arkeville looked up. "You said something, didn't you?"

He fluctuated between guilt and resentment that Starscream had told him nothing before his meeting. "Thanks to you not telling me how to act, I'd already been yelled at for standing in the wrong place, not saluting correctly, having no idea what any of your projects were-" he got a semi-apologetic grunt for that. "When I didn't say anything, Megatron became suspicious and put me on the spot, where I accidentally mentioned that Omega Supreme was on a mission, and he was furious I couldn't explain how I knew that-"

"-How have we not conquered you yet?" Dr. Arkeville postulated. "The Autobots are run by a drone with no logic function!"

Starscream found himself in the human's face. "THAT was uncalled for!"

"Don't you know me? You ALWAYS tell him his plan is stupid! That's your job: find the holes in his plans so that he can execute them correctly! If you say nothing, he assumes you're holding back so that he will fail!"

"How would I know that? I don't spy in your base!" That was a stupid thing to tell him. He was, after all, still Starscream, not the man before him, who had stopped turning red with anger and was back to being coolly sarcastic.

"Which brings me back to my initial statement."

Flustered, Starscream turned and headed to another part of the lab. "Yeah-well-I nailed Octane and you had to watch."

Dr. Arkeville's smile was not seen and response was not heard. "I forgot to thank you for that."

* * *

><p>Humans needed sleep. With sleep, came dreams. Dreams of war, dreams of lies, dreams of dragon's fire, and the beast that will bite...heh. Dr. Arkeville smiled superciliously in the darkened corner of his cage. That idiot Blaster once assumed that heavy metal would have the bagpipe effect, when all it did was get him a cannon blast from Megatron, who hated anything human. Funny how "Enter Sandman" had stuck, though. Soundwave got it for him online-<p>

Soundwave.

"Starscream!" Dr. Arkeville screeched. Starscream was recharging on the auxiliary plate nearby, coming online with a grunt, red eyes luminescent.

"What?"

"Soundwave can read your thoughts, he'll know your processor pattern is disparate- if your behavior didn't already give it away - he probably knows I'm here already!" Human panic was terrible, too. He wanted to run and hide.

"Except that he hasn't."

"He could be saving it up for blackmail, or WORSE!" This mech was so profoundly deficient in basic awareness of danger it was nauseating! Or was that the panic?

Starscream sat upright and placed a hand on the table that held the cage, as though reassuring Dr. Arkeville vicariously through the furniture. "Based on how I've seen him operate, he's not like that," he refuted. His voice was low, slightly deeper, more of a hiss. He glanced at the chamber door, squinting slightly. "Radar indicates no one. Who can do stealth mode?"

Dawning comprehension hit Dr. Arkeville. "His tapes. Ravage, mostly. Except that...I activated my Detector before you put me in here. Did you hear something?" The intended recipient was not there to hear it, having clunkily left the room to investigate the laboratory. They were hiding in a mere closet, one Starscream had made for his busiest work sessions/intense moments of paranoia.

He was gone for what seemed like forever. All Dr. Arkeville could hear was the loud noise his fuel chamber was making. He bit back the urge to call after the Decepticon, in case silence was crucial. Although this Starscream was a klutz.

The red lights emerged from the other room, sliding sideways and back as the head shook them. "Nothing. This moment is perfect, though. If they wanted to inject fear into you, while you are ruminating and at rest would be the perfect moment for harassment." He stood in the entryway, scratching a shoulder and looking so much bigger than usual.

So if they could read his mind, then they would have planted the idea. "He didn't. It was a natural progression of thought. Soundwave's implementation is clumsy and amateurish, hence Megatron's need to be diplomatic to those he wishes to turn to his side."

"Good," Starscream replied, edging in the dark to find the recharge plate while lingering over his door watch. "I wanted to wait until tomorrow to tell you, but we can go over this now."

Dr. Arkeville reached for the granola bar from the food and beverage stash he'd been smart enough to get when he forced a reluctant Starscream to pillage a supermarket before their return to base. "Proceed."

"I thought about your and Megatron's admonitions regarding how Starscream is supposed to behave in a normal setting." Dr. Arkeville's mouth was full and the Gatorade was a disgusting flavor, so he offered no verbal encouragement. "When you said he'd assume you were up to something, I remembered a detail in your notes. When I looked up your list, I saw that this plan HAD been done, but the twist I had in mind had NOT. Nor had it been combined with ANOTHER plan that almost worked."

Another guzzle of beverage kept him from goading.

"THIS plan will also let YOU kill him, not me."

Since his mouth was clear, there was no comic reaction, merely doubt. "I don't think you will give up that privilege so easily. Besides, any plan can still be thwarted by Soundwave."

The red lights narrowed into slits and a vague outline of a smirk could be almost seen. "Not if he thinks Soundwave is in on it, too."


	8. Chapter 8

Bumblebee screwed it up AGAIN.

He was supposed to be watching for Prime to leave his private chambers so that he could catch him and direct him to the non-stop meeting relay/marathon they'd set up...and he'd abandoned his post.

Never mind what he was doing! So what if it involved an empty fuel tank and Gears' new toy that had to be played with and a frisky GEARS who somehow talked him into a quickie in Grapple's room while Grapple pretended to be offline and-DON'T JUDGE!

The other four Autobots he was addressing moved in closer and glared even deeper.

"What. The FUCK." Jazz snarled, head rolling as he said it. Bumblebee didn't stifle the laugh in time and Prowl sent him to scrub the Dinobot's rumpus room with a loofa. After Kup went to escort him to his punishment, the other three sighed and turned to each other in defeat.

Ironhide had caught their errant leader going from room to room, looking around curiously.

"Optimus?"

"Ironhide! I was-just-..._inspecting-_er-performing a routine inspection."

Oh, scrap. The last thing they needed was a potential Decepticon plant gleaning information from them. Why didn't Prowl just allow him and the Twins to take this one out back and SHOOT him? "Prahme, Jayzz does that. Ah'll radio him for ya. Jayzz, come in!"

"No, no, I think it's time I took a look at what Jayzz is up to myself. I can't delegate without overseeing the operations every now and then, starting with some investigations." This Optimus was too quick on the draw. "THOROUGH investigations," he appended, to himself. As Ironhide began to protest again, Optimus had confidently gained momentum and brushed off his third in command. "I am Prime, it's not a matter of _can't_. Are you telling me that there are things your leader shouldn't be seeing?"

Ironhide wasn't stupid, either. "Does this mean you'll be inspectin' the barracks as well?" He made sure there was a note of suspicion in his voice. "Ya KNOW they all got contraband. We agreed to let 'em be, to keep up morale."

Optimus realized where this was going. "Uh…affirmative. Their Prime intruding on their personal space would be an upset, and counter-productive. Have Jayzz inspect the barracks in lieu of myself, with your assistance, and provide me with a report. You, there!"

Perceptor, confused at being called You, peered over the large engine he was carrying in his arms. "Yes, Prime?"

"Let Ironhide take care of that. I need your technical abilities to assist my analyses." His face tumbled around from confusion to happy to hurt to sheepish as Ironhide shouldered Skyfire's spare left wing engine. He grunted a little under its weight.

Later the two black-and-whites found Ironhide next to a large mechanical _thing_, arguing demonstratively with Bumblebee. 'What happened?" asked Prowl, who was pretty sure what happened already but wanted to hear a confession.

Jazz was livid. He'd been up all night getting his part of the boring meeting marathon relay extravaganza ready for naught. Prime had outsmarted them, and all Bumblebee could do was talk about how everything else on the planet was more important than the ONE SMALL FAVOR that was WAY easier than a presentation. Plus, he frakking HATED inspections.

* * *

><p>Kup took the long way back from the Dinobot rumpus room so that he could find Optimus with Perceptor, hearing them talk about how the electricity grid needed half of its parts replaced and most of its circuitry bypassed, and what earth tools and materials might work, and what kind of compound metals they could create as substitutes for Cybertronian elements. It all went over Kup's head, but both Autobots were practically GLOWING with enthusiasm, talking faster than Blurr while using longer words.<p>

"Heh. Never took you for a scientist, Prime." Both jumped.

"Perceptor knows a lot more than I, but it's sort of a hobby," he replied, shrugging. "Now, where were we? Tungsten would be inefficient? How so?"

* * *

><p>"We can't let him keep digging," Prowl replied, "No matter how helpful he's being." The plant had somehow figured out a way to economize their light usage - using the old motion sensors they'd almost tossed out but turned out merely needing a few repairs - and with some new adaptors, Teletraan-1 not only had his voice changed back but had quit dropping passive-aggressive hints that it would be happier with a steadier power supply. Ironhide was happy to be rid of THAT headache, Prowl was glad the meter wasn't spinning any faster from it, and Jazz was in a better mood when he got to confiscate Grapple's secret still as a reward for his thankless task, BUT there was a point to be made here.<p>

"We still don't have proof he's a plant," Kup argued. "What if he just got a personality reassignment from that blast?"

Prowl had considered this issue as well. He had no proof of that, either, since that section of Ratchet's CPU scan had been inconclusive. "Where is he now?"

"In Perceptor's lab, making a mess," Jazz chuckled. Prime had taken his side when Huffer protested the entire inspection and tried to get an angry mob to help him. It was kind of nice to get that sour mini-bot back for all the aggravation he'd caused this week with his whining.

"Since yer sayin' the only thing we can do is wait, Ah say let him play Chem Lab with the nerd," Ironhide sneered. "It'll keep him outta the way."

Kup nodded with the others. "I'll go watch him."

* * *

><p><em>What, me worry?<em>

Starscream remembered a certain earth month where every Autobot decided that they needed catch phrases. Prowl may have been stoic about it, but if Optimus had heard "What, me worry?" from ANYONE after something was brought up as a problem **one more time...**more than likely gunfire would have been involved.

Jazz and Bumblebee had been caught sifting through the sands to find anything missed around the space bridge, which meant that they knew something was up. Not good. How much Megatron knew was unknown as well, thanks to Soundwave being menacingly taciturn.

"Rumble's in the hallway," Starscream warned Dr. Arkeville.

"I know that!" he snapped, managing to pull a wire loose on the machine he was disemboweling. He was sweating. "Get into character! What are you waiting for?"

What was _he-_ oh, never mind. "STOP THAT! You're breaking it!"

Dr. Arkeville winced but recited his line. "It is NOT breaking! Go back to what you were doing!"

"What is the point of fine motor skills if you are going to be CLUMSY and INEPT!"

Crash. The door was open. Rumble stared. Starscream tried to act shocked.

"RUMBLE!"

Rumble didn't pause. He grinned, backed up, and dashed out the door. "SOUNDWAVE!"

Angrily, Dr. Arkeville whirled his chair around to hiss "You have the vocal pitch of a fruit bat and the thespianism of WILLIAM SHATNER!"

"And YOU are ugly and smell repugnant!" Starscream snarled back, completely without his bearings. His acidity surprised him. Not as much as Megatron stomping into his laboratory with Soundwave in tow and Rumble between them. Something seemed off.

Megatron didn't say anything. He cast a baleful eye on his second in command and let the upper quadrant of his upper right lip pull up into a closed snarl. Starscream's learned response was to panic.

"I know you said 'no,' but he-" his next reaction was to brace for impact, but no shot came forth. "He-he-can help me with more minute tasks requiring smaller hands!" That was what was wrong: there was a low buzzing noise, soft and close to being indiscernible. Dr. Arkeville didn't hear it, judging by his constant audio adjusting. He was upset by it. NOW who couldn't act? "I wanted to know how he'd escaped Shockwave!"

"Subject: Deceiving. Human: dismayed. Conclusion: Starscream is assisting the human."

Was THAT how it worked? How could Soundwave's thought reading be so right yet so wrong at the same time? Clairvoyant his reverse thrusters!

Oops. Think panicked thoughts. Hate Megatron. Wow, this was easy.

Soundwave made no other analysis but the buzzing noise continued. Megatron continued to mull things over, almost absentmindedly. Should Starscream protest more? "Mighty Megatron, I assumed-" again, no interruption. "-that-that-he would perish quickly, given the physical toll traveling had taken on him, and when he dies, his secrets go WITH him and..." W_hy wasn't he freaking out? Dr. Arkeville had _**_sworn_**_ that Megatron _**_always_**_ gave into violent surges of rage!_ The plan had been to rat out Soundwave as an accomplice when the hitting begun, but this was not occurring. What was wrong?

"Starscream, I want you to plant a tracer on that human and deposit him into the Autobot's waiting hands at our next battle," Megatron declared. "He is no longer your prisoner. He is _our spy._" Starscream tried to make an objection but Dr. Arkeville beat him to it.

"NO! They will turn me over to the human authorities! I am no good to you if I am in JAIL!"

He would not hear it, instead jerking his head to signal to Soundwave and Rumble to leave. Once they'd made their exit Megatron placed his hands on his hips and smirked at the tiny being below him. "You will find a way to stay in their good graces, then." He glanced at Starscream to drive the point home. "Because you are _worthless to me as a parasite_." He stormed out and the door quietly eased shut, like a gentle wave putting out a violent fire.

The buzzing noise continued. Starscream made a throat-slashing motion and the put a finger to his lips, hoping that these were the proper non-verbal cues. "I will find a way to negotiate with him," he promised.

Dr. Arkeville nodded grimly. "Or all is _lost_."


	9. Chapter 9

He'd never really LOOKED at his laboratory. Megatron had waved him dismissively when he'd filed the request to build one; because space was fought over like the two bottom wolvetrons regarding the last of a caribot carcass, he'd gotten something close to the throne room. It had been hammered and wired and programmed with the same care the others took decorating their private quarters. Eventually Starscream's workload and absent-mindedness regarding failed experiments had become accumulated debris mostly ignored. "This place is due for a cleaning," Dr. Arkeville grunted.

Starscream had been trying to dig through the flotsam to find parts for a transmitter and laughed. "_That _is a spectacular understatement."

Dr. Arkeville didn't laugh. He glanced around and pointed to a pile, suggesting that the piece they wanted might be inside. He did not feel any nostalgia for _this_ place - his lab on Cybertron had been amazing. He missed it. And he would never see it again...

"Prime, have you concocted any other plans to kill Megatron?" Dr. Arkeville demanded.

"_Stop calling me that,_" the larger machine hissed as a pile avalanched and he had to move the human clear. "Soundwave might be listening."

Dr. Arkeville couldn't detect Soundwave's equipment any more, much to his fury. If he ever got his hands on that REAL human once he got his body back...

"Besides, the other two plans didn't work!" His second plan had failed and Megatron's punishment was swift and brutal. Dr. Arkeville had spent a great deal of time trying to repair Starscream that night, while they planned another strategy. Should they fail completely and Starscream had to drop him off with the Autobots, they already knew what would happen: Dr. Arkeville would go to the hospital and then to jail OR 'Optimus Prime' would "accidentally" kill him. He could NOT leave this place. As he looked upon it, it was all he wanted to do. The place was a mess. His existence was a mess. His body - thanks to yet another failed killing - was a mess.

"Dr. Arkeville, I was...thinking...and there's one attempt you haven't made." Starscream handed Dr. Arkeville another tool. "I overheard Ramjet and Rumble arguing about 'That time of the month' and have no idea what they meant, and then Thundercracker said something about it involving you all taking turns doing something. What is it?"

"What IS it? What IS it? WHAT IS IT?" This was too much! He threw the tool at the mech and scowled in disgust. "You mean to tell me you've never demanded physical tribute from your minions?" That couldn't be right!

Starscream dropped his entire armload and took a step back, his hand on his forehead. "PHYSICAL...I thought I was wrong..." He sank to the ground. "That's horrific!"

The human shrugged. "You get used to it."

"When is your day?"

"I DON'T HAVE A DAY! I'M HIS SECOND IN COMMAND!" Oh NO. "Don't you DARE assume that I should volunteer to, either, he'll see that as a murder plot as easily as I have!" Dr. Arkeville was shuddering. "And don't you DARE attempt to-to-"

Starscream leaned on one hand on the floor and crawled to the table the human perched upon and met his eye completely. "What does he do to you?" he whispered.

Dr. Arkeville felt his eyes puff up and begin leaking. Curse this body! His mucus membranes were over-producing and his throat was constricting. His breathing was acting funny.

Starscream was annoyed. Sniveling human, get over it and TELL him! No...he was an Autobot, he must show compassion. He must **have** compassion. "What happened, Starscream?"

Dr. Arkeville, managed to get his outburst under control after a few moments, but his voice was still high-pitched. "You have to be CAUGHT attempting to sabotage his plan, then he tortures you and when he's bored THEN he has his way with you."

One word pinged on Starscream's radar. "Sabotage? You mean, like refusing to get rid of a human even after being directly ordered to deposit him on enemy lines? Or sabotage, such as leading the battle to a place where the false Optimus can be re-assigned his old body? Except that should this work, you'll be the one facing the punishment..." He didn't feel guilty. He was excited to get his body back and it wouldn't cost him anything- no, no, NO! This is WRONG. He was PRIME. "I cannot allow that."

"What?" startled, Dr. Arkeville ceased his weeping.

"I cannot allow you to be harmed. We will find another way." Starscream rose up and walked over his dropped materials, kicking the broken ones out of the way.

"Another way," he repeated. "Keep thinking."

* * *

><p>For all the kindness and nobility Starscream was showing for Dr. Arkeville, he sure wasn't getting much return on investment. Granted, that blasted human form had to take a lot out of the <em>original<em> Starscream, but why did he feel the need to release his stress by abusing _him_? After Starscream had declared he would not infuriate Megatron to exploit a weakness that had potential repercussions for the original Starscream if the plan worked, Dr. Arkeville called him a variety of names and epithets, the penultimate being "YOU HAVE THE TOWING CAPACITY OF A CYBER-GOAT" and ending with "LEAVE MY SIGHT BEFORE I RELEASE FLUID ON YOU!"

Soooooo now he was wandering the halls, trying to not get caught but at the same time trying to commit the layout to memory. This place was so DARK. It was lonely, too. When he was Optimus he'd always had someone tailing him with something important, and while it was irritating to have to be constantly working, at least he never felt alone. Not superficially.

Noiseless and dark, so that every footfall echoed and returned to echo again, making a racket so unpleasant Starscream felt the need to stop and let it die out every so often. Corners and indentations made him nervous; they were ubiquitous enough that this loud, dark corridor was proof that sneaking into the Deception Base might be next to impossible but once you were inside you could hide for an eon and never be detected.

*CRASH*

He should have detected that. Hear it, no - but there were enough other resources he could have used had he paid attention to all the readouts this body gave him. Powerful gunmetal arms pinned him supine on the floor and pushed harder the more he resisted. Megatron's smirk never faltered.

"Lost, little jet?" he cooed sarcastically, shifting his pelvis a little higher along Starscream's body. "Usually your demands for attention aren't so tepid." _He was moving his face closer._

With every last bit of his strength Starscream head-butted Megatron, yanked free an arm to push him back, and somehow swept himself out of from underneath in a nanosecond. He jumped backwards to offset Megatron's leap forward and was able to grab him and toss him overhead and into the wall behind them, REALLY wishing he had his blaster on him.

Megatron, stunned and upside down while embedded in a wall, gave a quizzical expression as he slid down. "Where did you learn that?" he asked, almost to himself. "Enough! Help me up before I obliterate you!" Should he run or render aid to Megatron at his still unperturbed mood? Experience stated to help him return to his natural state. That and he STILL had no firearm. He should have done learned how to use these stupid null rays but Dr. Arkeville was convinced it would be like admitting his weak spot.

Once back on his feet and letting a few more attacks not find their target, Megatron motioned to Starscream to follow him, not bothering to wait for compliance, assuming obedience would be performed. "Would you care to explain your latest temper tantrum - oh yes! The human. You're upset you're losing him."

_What Would Starscream Do?_ Great, another catch phrase of Sideswipe's. He thought he was funny... Starscream hurried to catch up.

"I am. I- I would like to keep him."

Megatron glanced backwards slightly, red eye brightening ever-so-slightly. "What do you plan to use him for?" He chuckled and rounded a corner. Starscream accelerated. "Mazes? Paint testing? Neurology? Does he have an adequate supply of food pellets?"

"He's my pet."

Megatron wheeled on him, fist clenched. "I have TOLD you that we do not keep pets! I am not Optimus Prime, toying with the natives to better further my own agenda!"

Affront brings swift retribution. "Like Shawn Berger?"

"SILENCE!" Megatron hit him backhanded, thank Primus for small favors. "Your pet will die at the hands of the humans, not yours!"

"I WANT TO KEEP HIM!" Starscream howled back, still trying to regain equilibrium.

"For too long I have made exceptions to my rules to facilitate you! AS a FAVOR! No longer!" Megatron's arms went out, almost as though he were giving up and reigning in at the same time.

"I want to KEEP him!" the jet pleaded, feeling desperate again. Soundwave's buzz was encroaching like the hideous herald it was, unless Starscream thought of something FAST. "What must I do to enable that?"

The arm swept forward, hitting him again. Starscream veered away, dodging the majority of the swipe but was caught up by the other arm, which held his body in place long enough to be completely encapsulated. Still stinging and dizzy, he was unable to prevent the first hand from catching the back of his head and pushing him forward to meet Megatron. Starscream let out a high-pitched grunt and nothing else, not pulling away because the panic had somehow frozen him, and the kiss deepened.

Megatron's lips pulled back but his head did not. "You will obey me, or the next time you are prisoner in my hands it will be because I've torn you in half." He pulled away, allowing Starscream to fall to the floor and gasp for air. "The human goes as our spy. _Or else."_


	10. Chapter 10

What a mess.

Optimus Prime did not know how Wheeljack had 33 percent recidivism when it came to laboratory accidents, but he DID know that when you heard someone yell "duck!" that you did it, and QUICKLY.

"DUCK!"

Without processing why, Optimus leapt in front of a blissfully preoccupied Perceptor and tackled him to the ground as splashes of H2SO4 stung Prime's back, helmet, and shoulders.

Ratchet, the one who'd elicited the warning, glanced at his underarms and cast a baleful glance at the instigator of this malarkey.

"You're making me sound like Sunstreaker when I have to yell at you for ruining my paint job," he growled.

"Yeah, sorry, it looks like I put too much current into it without grounding it again," Wheeljack threw out, hurrying back over to what used to be a _clean_ lab table. "Ooh."

"'Ooh?' Do I want to know?" The sound of sizzling would have been a tip-off as well even if Wheeljack hadn't responded.

"Nooo…."

Perceptor was still underneath him. Optimus wished he could smile back. "You should get Ratchet to spot-check you," he suggested gently, propping himself up as Prime slid away to free him.

"Come on, Prime," the medic interrupted, motioning for Optimus to follow him. "Before I coat Wheeljack with mustard."

The engineer tilted his head askew as he turned to face them. "What, me worry?"

This cracked everyone up. Optimus hesitated and wondered if he were allowed to laugh, and how to fake a laugh, and since the laugh ended before he made up his mind there wasn't much to do but walk out with Ratchet and let him make sure the acid had not gotten into any crevices.

Ratchet didn't say much, but kept opening his mouth every few seconds before changing his mind. Optimus debated challenging him to verbalize what was bothering him and discarded the idea. Some questions were better left unanswered.

Kup burst in during inspection with alarming news: Brawn and Bumblebee had been at the spacebridge trying to creatively sabotage it when Starscream and what looked like Dr. Arkeville had ambushed them.

"He's still alive?" Ratchet gasped.

Prime demanded to know if anyone was hurt. "No, but Starscream was able to use the spacebridge to go who-knows-where. Bumblebee tried to get the coordinates but Skywarp and Thundercracker showed up and-

"THEY DID WHAT!" Optimus had leapt off the lab table before he realized it. "We need to mobilize!"

"What for?" Ironhide asked, coming up behind Kup with a datapad. Prime still couldn't get over how cool those were.

Kup agreed. "He's right, Prime. It too dangerous to go charging in, it'll be like the Battle of Mekong Delta."

"Ah kin send Mirage over for reconnaissance," Ironhide offered.

"No, we have to go after them, I know what they're doing!" He headed to the door, impeded only by both his medical officer and his friend, who each grabbed a shoulder.

"Optimus...you can't do that." Ratchet gave him a firm but gentle push back towards the examining table.

"We can't just roll into the spacebridge and pop over to Cybertron for a quick visit! That's suicide!" Kup reminded him.

Optimus scrambled for a viable solution and could think of nothing. He had to go himself. He'd have to pretend that they were right and agree to send someone to keep watch on the spacebridge and then when things seemed to be going right...

Later, as they watched him sneak out the front door, Wheeljack, Ratchet, Kup, Jazz, Ironhide and Prowl couldn't resist a six-way high-five for a four-star ruse.

They missed noticing Perceptor follow close behind.

* * *

><p><p>

Starscream had to admit it, he was PROUD.

Dr. Arkeville had re-arranged the circuits and mostly barked orders, but it had been Starscream's idea and he'd _found_ all the parts, done most of the work and **he'd** been the one giving Dr. Arkeville time and space to work by pretending to kill Megatron with enough frequent intervals to keep their leader distracted - although the last one was so lame it had Megatron rolling on the floor laughing hard enough to just SHOOT him - so he had something to be proud of in this project AND HE WAS!

Dr. Arkeville glanced at Starscream, who was humming an old Decepticon war hymn. He couldn't contain the smirk. Songs of Autobot resistance had been co-opted by Soundwave to add to the confusion and lower rebel morale, and it made a glorious cacophony in battle when both sides bellowed the words to the same tune with completely different meanings. Especially when one set of lyrics began to drown out the other. Which set ran though the processor of the robot before him, he wondered.

"I believe...we have completed our task," he announced, tapping Starscream out of his reverie. "And by the way...the color scheme of orange and grey..._hideous_. There might be some evil in you YET, Prime!"

Starscream didn't shudder, although he should have. "I suppose we should start calling each other by our proper names again-but NOT YET."

Dr. Arkeville shrugged. "Suit yourself. Now, to find an excuse to get to the switch machine..."

BAM.

"_Starscream." _Megatron's hiss was far worse than his yell. "I suspected you were building a new body for your pet...but orange and gray? _Hideous."__  
><em>  
>"What is WRONG with orange?" Starscream shrieked back, forgetting to be wary in his umbrage. "It's not an Autobot primary color, it's not too dark, <strong>I <span>like <span>it!**"

Megatron laughed. "With that argument, your loss of lucidity is confirmed." He began to walk around the lab table, inspecting their work. "Top caliber, Starscream," he commented, one black hand reaching out to trace the silent face. He frowned slightly. "Blue optics. A pity." His own red met with the jet's. "Did you finally execute that threat you made on the Autobots' superior scientist?"

Dr. Arkeville looked embarrassed but all Starscream saw was blinding fury. J_ealousy._ He did not know why he was inflamed but wrath overtook him and he lunged at Megatron with a bellow and was tossed to the wall with one arm and a bored expression for all of his efforts.

As he slid to the floor he began to sputter. "How dare-"

"Silence!" Their leader was at the doorway already, not even hiding the smug grin. "Although I am allowing you to build your toy, I have not forgotten my orders. Have you?"

Rising from the floor, it was all he could do to keep from heaving himself at the mech again. "I have not," he spat, "_Mighty Megatron_." His computer was beeping. The space bridge alarm. "Note that an Autobot approaches the space bridge. I will prevent him from his mission as well as deposit the human." Dr. Arkeville's eyes widened as Starscream stuffed him into subspace, grabbed the robot body, and stormed out. Megatron laughed as they departed.

"Make sure you take your trinemates!" he called after him. "_I want no surprises_."


	11. Chapter 11

It felt like he was being smothered to death.

When he was Starscream one of the Cybertron Academy's punishments was to force you to transform and keep you in that mode in a room almost the size of a coffin until they decided you'd had enough...or if you lost your mind.

("Lost your mind?" Where did THAT phrase come from? He should have thought 'your mental circuits burned out.' He HAD to get out of this body!)

Dr. Arkeville felt something hard and metallic pinch at his skin as it grabbed him and yanked him out of subspace. AIR! PAIN!

Starscream glanced awkwardly at Skywarp and Thundercracker's suspicious glances. "Where did THAT thing come from?" Thundercracker demanded.

"None of your business!" he snapped. "You have your orders; stop that truck! Now leave!" Once they took off, he returned to the task at hand. "I can see me-Optimus-approaching. ETA: three hundred astro-seconds," he hissed, placing down Dr. Arkeville in front of the machine before reaching in for the other body.

Dr. Arkeville immediately dug his toolkit out of the growing pile of things Starscream was pulling out of subspace. "I have a lot of junk," he commented wryly.

Although there wasn't too much the larger mech could do, he was someone surprised and pleased that he could identify a couple of the mechanical problems and that Dr. Arkeville did what Starscream would have done. He hoped that when he was Prime again he could start toying with something mechanical. Maybe that old blaster he never figured out how to fix-

"Starscream! Starscream, come in! It's Skywarp! Head's up, Prime and that weirdo scientist are coming!"

"Why couldn't they hold them?" Dr. Arkeville demanded, sighing. He was only half-finished, maybe.

Starscream reached for a blaster that didn't exist and nearly panicked. "How do you shoot these things?" he yelled, tapping his null rays desperately.

Oh, for- "Let the impulse squeeze it out!"

Starscream missed the first time, causing Prime to veer off to the left and Perceptor to leap out of the passenger seat and transform. "Save the human!" Prime called. "I'll take care of Starscream!"

Dr. Arkeville didn't like where this was going. "Starscream! If your trinemates aren't here, that means they are DOWN! DON'T CALL FOR BACKUP!" The real Starscream would be derided for doing such a thing, and while Dr. Arkeville didn't see a multitude of options, Prime needed to be held back and Megatron was the LAST thing they needed.

Starscream hesitated. "Blast these stupid wings!" he muttered, trying to fire his null rays and missing again.

* * *

><p>Optimus had been surprised to find that Perceptor wanted to help him with his mission. He considered objecting and ordering him back to base for about a millisecond and realized that he liked the idea of a friend coming with him.<p>

Said friend was quite useful when it was time to take out some bad guys. Prime didn't know how to fight as well as he should and hiding behind a scientist got nothing accomplished until Roller tweeted something about using the trailer's cannon to blast them out of the sky. This Prime could do THAT. Thank you, hunter father who made him learn how to shoot as a child.

Besides, Perceptor came in handy when it would be time to "save" the human. They could NOT switch the bodies back, and a witness that would attest that yes, Prime did everything he could before the human died would be most useful. The boom box Autobot radioed, claiming that Megatron was on his way and that they were coming to provide backup and to The Pit with his protestations. Optimus didn't see a multitude of options, Starscream and Dr. Arkeville needed to be held back and Megatron was the LAST thing they needed.

Starscream came at him from the sky and rolled on the ground with him, bending a wing in the process and it looked like it didn't tickle when he bent it BACK. His concussion blasts at close range weren't much of a pick-me-up either. Now Prime had to fight with only his left arm working. Starscream moved awkwardly, tripping over his own feet.

"Starscream! FIGHT HIM!"

Megatron! Optimus dodged Starscream and apparently a nasty blast from the arm cannon and started sprinting towards the space bridge, where Perceptor was-_helping? _

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Prime bellowed. He couldn't hear Megatron, but a foolish shoulder glance showed that he and Starscream were hilariously trying to trip/kill each other in mid-air to get to him first. Starscream got a head start and the whirr of jet engines were closing on him and he was going to lose this footrace in about two seconds. He was SO CLOSE!

Starscream was yelling for his nulls rays to SHOOT him already, Megatron was yelling back at him, Dr. Arkeville was rushing his operations and snarling at Perceptor. With the last of his strength Optimus launched himself forward and roared over all of the yelling for Perceptor to grab the human, he was about to destroy them all! Hurry!

Slipping through Perceptor's faltering hands, Dr. Arkeville rolled to a switch and pulled it.

_**ZAP!**_


	12. Chapter 12

Crash!

Optimus landed at good ten meters away from anyone in the most ineffective attempt to land on something ever. He was the first one to speak though. Brandishing his gun on all of them as they paused in confusion, he demanded they say who they REALLY were.

Starscream's response was to shoot his null ray at Optimus' chest.

"_You and I_ are back to normal! That was a better turnout than I expected."

"WHO ARE YOU!" Starscream demanded, grabbing the limp human and giving him a shake. No response. He turned to the orange robot below him and nudged it with his foot, getting no response, either. "Did-"

"STARSCREAM!"

That came from Perceptor. Then who-

Megatron had awkwardly crash landed closer to the microscope and was slowly rising, anxiety turning into fear. "What….happened to me?"

"Who are you?" Optimus demanded.

"Optimus!" he cried, startled, "why are you pointing a gun at me?"

"_You're_ not Optimus, _he's_ Optimus!" Starscream retorted, putting down the human and lifting up the orange robot to better inspect him.

Fine time for Starscream to be funny. "That was not what he meant!" Prime interjected, turning his gun on who was either Megatron, Dr. Arkeville, or Primus-knew-what in Perceptor's body.

"How do we know YOU'RE the real Optimus?" Perceptor finally spoke, brandishing his empty right arm and giving himself away.

Prime regarded him coolly. "When you think nobody's watching, you go whale-hunting underwater. I caught you doing that and beat the energon out of you."

Starscream objected. "Anyone could know that!"

"YOU could, because your lab has more security cameras than Shockwave's! That back room is the only place that DOESN'T have reconnaissance equipment! The plate is uncomfortable, too!"

Both Decepticons nodded begrudgingly. The larger Megatron figure still looked dazed and confused, until some random thought overtook him and a nasty little smirk crept up.

"We still haven't figured out who YOU are," Perceptor declared, taking a step forward towards the Megatron figure and keeping his arm elevated, although he caught himself when he realized the lack of efficacy in this motion and twitched nervously.

Smiling even more, Megatron recited the entire chemical compound makeup of Chorostop, causing Starscream to scowl deeply and tell him to shut up and sit still while he CHECKED that.

Megatron didn't wait. He leapt in front of Perceptor, swept him into his arms and kissed him so hard Optimus dropped his gun and an enraged Starscream screamed in wrath, swept up the orange robot and hurled it at them as hard as he could, which bounced off and landed on its stomach. It then rose to its hands and knees – something an offline robot wouldn't do.

"Halt!" Optimus thundered, reaching for his dropped weapon.

He looked up, frowned, brought one knee up to ground his foot, would have taken a lunge past Optimus' legs and transformed if Starscream hadn't caught him first by the shoulder, thrown him into the spacebridge and pressed a button.

"Wait-"the little mech cried. The clap of thunder and dust storm drowned out the rest of what he said.

Optimus was horrified. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! What if that's not him? Where did-"

"It is of little importance!" The Decepticon moved his focus past the inert human body left behind in only one glance, moving again with his hand pointing to the two before them. "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT **THAT?"**

Throughout this entire ordeal, Megatron and Perceptor had not changed position. Still tightly embracing each other…this was too much. Optimus opened fire.

Megatron, startled, broke the liplock but Perceptor wasn't as fazed. "_Jealous?_" he hissed.

"What is WRONG with you?" The other two chorused. "Wasn't I good enough?"

Perceptor chuckled. "Not to eradicate Cosmic Rust."

Megatron looked hurt. "YOU terminated the relationship! You didn't even care how _I_ felt, or you wouldn't have sent me to group therapy."

"Group therapy? _Group therapy?"_ Perceptor cracked up. Starscream joined in. "Optimus…..I have nothing to say to that, it's…." He laughed harder, so hard Megatron was having trouble keeping his grip without a microscope piece hitting him.

That was too much. "Starscream, FIX THIS. Perceptor-"

Starscream was just as caught in the hilarity, leaning on the space bridge as his shoulders shook. "GROUP THERAPY!" he howled.

Megatron started chuckling, too, more than a little embarrassed. "He thought it would make me stop being concerned about him, as though I were an inconvenience."

Perceptor stopped laughing. "You were NEVER an inconvenience to me." His blue optics blazed. That shut up Starscream as well; he made a move to shoot them with his null rays except that Perceptor ducked to adequately grab Megatron's arm and hit a switch, a shot nailing the jet on the wrist. "Go back to base and wait for my return!" he hissed.

Optimus was having none of this. "Starscream has to switch you back," he said firmly, hurrying over to break up the couple and punch the daylights out of both of them if he had to.

"Forget it! Megatron thinks so highly of _that scientist_ let HIM fix it!" Transforming, Starscream released a hook and latched it into Optimus' arm, carrying him aloft until they were 100 miles from the Ark.

"I will let you save your dignity only because you allowed me mine when I was in that disgusting form," he explained, loosening the hook and not bothering to see how Prime landed. "When next we meet, I will destroy you!"


	13. Chapter 13

Prowl, Ironhide, Kup, Ratchet, and Wheeljack watched the truck glide in and transform without a hitch. He glanced behind their heads to see that via Sky Spy, Perceptor and Megatron had become significantly more pornographic in a short amount of time. He scowled Ratchet and Wheeljack, departing to repair his shoulder in their office without a word. Prowl caught Optimus' gaze and turned off Teletraan-One's screen, Ironhide kept his optics averted as he passed, and Kup cleared his vocalizer to ask what they should do if Perceptor came back.

"WHEN he returns, escort him to my office."

* * *

><p>It was good to be back in his own body. Megatron glanced at the Autobot before him, the one who'd refused to change anything back until he'd been satisfied….twice. He was at the space bridge controls watching, observing, more than likely waiting to see how <em>he<em> would act.

Megatron put up his arm cannon. "Step away from the space bridge," he commanded. Trembling slightly, Perceptor obeyed. "You have until I count to ten to abandon the premises."

"You're not going to shoot me here?" He sounded _disappointed._

"There will be a team of Decepticons here later to dismantle this carbuncle. Autobot interference would be a distraction. ONE."

"I assumed you wouldn't ask me to join you, but to force me to return to a place where there will be dire consequences for our recreant relationship-"

"Is more my style. TWO."

There was that hurt expression again. "I meant NOTHING!"

"Precisely. And I meant power to _you_, and you LIKE that. Otherwise you would not have gone to Prime for comfort after being with ME, and you would not have lingered in my body to satisfy your own lustful urges. THREE."

"Negative! I cared for-"

"I CARE NOT! **FOUR**!"

Now he stumbled. He hurried. He transformed and rolled away, towards home and its harsh punishments. Megatron cackled to himself. The fool had MISSED him. He'd uttered it in low moans as he caressed him, gave it away in every kiss, laid himself bare to a Decepticon who really didn't have any interest, except to upset Optimus Prime.

"Soundwave! Report!" He needed Starscream and company to move this pile of junk and wanted Lazorbeak front and center to catch the aftermath of the Prodigal Autobot's homecoming.


	14. Chapter 14

Perceptor didn't come back for a week. He spent a lot of it staring at the ocean and trying not to feel anything; unfortunately depleted resources and a transmission from Prowl had him making his way to the Ark, ready or not.

He expected to be thrown in the brig. Dismantling, probably not, being a pariah – how was that different from before – or worse yet, more group therapy, were expected. Kup motioned for him to follow when he met him at the Ark entrance.

Strange….nobody was acting any different. Perceptor expected them to scatter like oil from detergent, but there was nothing out of the ordinary here. Bumblebee even smiled and waved.

Kup knocked on Prime's office door, led him in, and left. Optimus stood up and politely offered a chair, face blank as usual and his tone conveying nothing. Perceptor sat and waited, feeling more sullen than anxious. As was custom, he delayed conversation for his leader to speak first.

Prime didn't mince words. "I had planned to tie you up, hold you in the brig, and throw you at Megatron the minute we were in battle," he snarled.

Perceptor narrowed his optics. He didn't care anymore. So be it.

"Kup talked me out of it."

He couldn't be more astonished if he tried. "Kup? I barely know him."

"But Kup knows Megatron. He knows how easy it is to be seduced by him, and how addicti-" he faltered, his optics looking pained and far away. "-easy it is to be lead astray by such a master manipulator. He also reminded me that you are not the first and you won't be the last of us who has had this happen, and he gave me a quiet upbraiding for having any kind of relationship with you to begin with, which probably what made Megatron even MORE appealing to you in your…" he waved to express a loss of vocabulary for something so WEIRD "…other form." Prime tilted his chair forward and glanced at Perceptor to gauge a reaction and got a simple nod. "Therefore, I am offering you an apology for interfering with your affections, putting a gag order on those who knew of your dalliances, and your punishment for fraternizing with the enemy and going AWOL is that you have to help Red Alert teach the Dinobots how to square dance."

So that was it. Relief, indignation, and a wry appreciation flooded him and he nodded again, answering "Yes, Prime."

"Good." Optimus stood up and tapped a button. "Go report to Red Alert, he's waiting with your skirt."

"I beg your pardon?" Too late! Kup was back to escort Perceptor to the Dinobot rumpus room.

* * *

><p>The tiny orange and gray Autobot shuddered as he saw another one of those THINGS waddle past him. That was too close. They had superiors, they had minions with teeth, they had a million things that were sure to kill him, they had TENTACLES. He had landed in the middle of an asteroid and there were too many robots to count, and who could tell who was hostile?<p>

"What's this?" someone asked behind him. It was another robot! He made a feint one way and dodged the other but the mech was too quick with a net.

"Whoa! Hold on, little fella! No need to pop a wheelie like that! We're friends!" To demonstrate, he removed the net and held out a hand, which was accepted.

"Friends?" They had the Autobot symbol on them, and he looked just like Perceptor, which flooded the smaller robot with emotion and caused him to stay put.

"So his vocalizer DOES work!" announced the second one, emerging from the large plant behind the first. "What's your name, little fella?"

He shook his head.

"Where did you come from?"

Another head shake.

The first looked at the second. "Welp, let's have Code Red look at him and see what's up." He gave him another benign look. "You're safe. Come with us."

The former Dr. Arkeville hesitated, began to walk the opposite way, but looking at the doppelganger of the only friend he'd ever known smiling at him while directing him towards a ship parked nearby inspired him to switch plans.

* * *

><p>Kup waited outside as Perceptor staggered out of the Dinobot rumpus room an hour later and hid a laugh.<p>

"You're still wearing the skirt," he commented, pointing at the frothy frock still appended to his waist.

If he could, he would have blushed. Perceptor tore it off and threw it back into the room at Red Alert and stalked away, Kup in tow.

"Are you my escort?" he asked after thirty steps.

Kup nodded. "You get one until Optimus thinks we can trust you."

Hmmm. "Will it always be you?"

The older mech shrugged. "I'm not sure."

Should that be the case, perhaps he'd better take advantage of the situation. It had been interesting the last time he did.

"Then accompany me for a mug of energon," he requested, switching directions and pausing for his companion to catch up.

* * *

><p>He tried and tried but this stupid thing wasn't coming together. Something wasn't going right. Optimus Prime glanced at the chronometer, frustrated, and realized that calling anyone to help him would rouse them from their much-needed recharge. He made an air-huffing noise and reluctantly, slowly slowly slowly <em>slowly<em> reached for his radio controls. He remembered the frequency but wasn't sure it would work….and oh, Primus, why was he doing this don't pick it up don't pick it up don't-

He flashed onto Prime's screen, started, and smirked, chuckling delightfully. "You couldn't wait a week before you required my assistance?"

Optimus sighed and held up the parts. "I recalibrated that one thing you told me to do and now I'm stuck with the trigger malfunctioning."

"That should come as no surprise. Those Autobot weapons are GARBAGE." He'd told Starscream three times that this was a practice blaster, not a fighting gun – therefore its potency was not an issue – but Starscream never let really get in the way of a decent insult. "The trigger's more than likely askew. Did you re-align it?"

"Twice," Prime replied, bored. "It offers enough resistance to de-align…"

"You need a new one, then, that one has a stressed spring coil."

"SPRING COIL? You liar!" Optimus put down the gun to mock-glare at the Decepticon giggling maniacally. "You have no idea how this one works, do you?"

He didn't stop, shaking his head mirthfully. "Make your underlings fix it!"

Optimus let his optics glow. "I'd rather have the best scientist I know help me."

"Humph." He looked pleased anyway. "Try a larger trigger to close the gaps, since this one has warped from stress."

Amazing. "I'll try it and let you know the results."

"Not like I have anything better to do."

"I assumed you were dying of curiosity," Prime countered facetiously. "What with all of the trouble you could get into talking to me."

Starscream shrugged and wryly twisted his mouth upwards into what could be subjectively translated into a smile. "What, me worry?"

Optimus allowed a chuckle, thanked him for his help, and switched off the radio.


End file.
